The stuff of nightmares

Just sent this email to our pest control company.

(Warning: true story, making fun of a very real phobia)

Hi guys,

It’s K from xxxxx.  I was hoping to book David for a whole of house spray on either xxxxx, xxxxxx or xxxxxx. 

We are due for a spray. I love that you use natural products based on dandelion extract. However, I don’t care if you go nuclear this time!

Tonight as i was peacefully putting away clean clothes my darling cat Henry called me from downstairs. I came to the top of the stairs and called down to him. He appeared in the entryway and was most insistant I join him downstairs. 

He sat patiently outside our storeroom indicating there was something of interest. 

That’s when i heard the scurrying. We both listened under the door for a while as Henry proceeded to cover my face in fur with his pacing and smooching. I thought hmmm, it’s too small for a possum and fast. Sounds like a mouse. I can’t imagine a rat could get in there.

I prepared for small mammal catch and release. I’ve caught possums inside with a bath towel before. I grabbed a tshirt. The great plan appeared like a bolt of insprational lightning. Henry would squeeze through the door, chase the mouse out of the storeroom where i would be waiting, ready to gently throw a tshirt over the frightened creature. Then I’d bundle it up, let Henry have a sniff then release it outside in the garden.

Oh how the best laid plans often unravel in an instant. 

More scurrying. I said to Henry “Are you ready?” He miowed his enthusiasm. Henry squeezed through the door and commenced his patrol. I had a peek through the door into darkness. Hmmm. The conundrum. If I turn the light on the mouse will run and hide, making it more difficult for my accomplice to complete his task. If I leave the light off, we could be here all night. I snuck my hand around the door frame and switched on the light.

More scurrying. This time, our eyes tracked where the noise was coming from. That’s funny. This mouse climbed vertically very quickly. Good grief it’s a nimble little fellow. 

Well, what popped up with no fear, shame and can what can only be described as a warrior attitude in full flourescent light was the largest, healthiest, ugliest, most disgusting, vulgar, vomit inducing creature I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to witness. This ferocious vermin is the thing of nightmares. 



I beckoned Henry to escape the dungeon, to flee from the terror. He had other plans. What to do?! Close the door, trapping Henry in the storeroom with this monster or leave the door almost closed so i can help him escape. But the creature surely wants to unleash it’s brand of hell throughout the house. A flimsy tshirt is not sufficient to cover something that can survive a nuclear explosion.

I reverse, never turning away from the badlands and retrieve the first can of toxic, long lasting, exterior strength spray my grappling hand can find, and a ballet flat. Why oh why is my beloved always out watching football during emergencies like this?

After I have enjoyed my 100th birthday Henry indicates he’s ready to come out of the little storeroom of horrors. I send him a safe distance away and spray into the room as much as possible without really opening the door, ensuring all door edges are coated. A towel is shoved under the door to ensure no attack from within.

So here we are, upstairs, on edge (well Henry’s asleep), waiting to see if you have time for a booking at short notice. If you have lasted through this nightmare to this end, thank you and we await your booking confirmation. 

Kind regards,



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